the truth about the middle adult life 25.

My life didn't came out the way I wanted it to be. that's one thing all of you can relate to for sure. I remember after when I graduated from High school; I wanted to become a Psychologist... but that didn't happened. instead... I graduated with a degree of Bachelor's of Science in Entrepreneurship major in Management. In the course of my college life, I tried becoming an actor; attended various workshops, auditioned for roles, and go see for commercials. but I didn't become a success with those things that I aspired to be when I was in my foolish youth; eager, risk taker, driven, and restless days. after graduation... I was a total bum; drinks, travel and party every night.... Lost. 

Then a year later, I was forced in the employment department, working in a bank that killed my spirit to death. I remember having a conversation in my head at my desk typing in my keyboard and asking myself "what the f*ck am i doing?" repeatedly while typing the exact same thing I was routinely doing at the moment. I hated my life and my job in those times. 8 months later.... I became a flight attendant.... along the way. I felt good about myself. Felt fulfilled and a success finally. Earning the money I want, buying the things I want, travelling to places I've never planned or have ever thought of visiting to. 

Part of those things that has happened. somewhat or somehow just happened. I still don't know what to do with my life at those moments but instead. I just kept living the life. that it is so linear that those great things was just normal. for about two years... that environment became just norm to my awareness. But when I look back at my life and where I am right now. none of this was planned the way I wanted to. At first. I wanted to become a psychologist and publish a book then become a renowned person in my field. when I tried acting... I wanted to be a huge star... a Superstar as a matter of fact... I thought I was an entrepreneur in the making but apparently, now  I feel like I wasn't born to be any that.

all I know is that I kept going. I kept pushing things that are and aren't maybe meant for me. I remember attending my open day for an airline company and feeling so insecure about myself while in line next to a taller and more beautiful more handsome men and women next to me. but I was like to my friend "you what?! f*ck it! let us just be ourselves and let's do this..." without really knowing what's my fate gonna be like in that situation. I already felt so sad when I was to told to expect a call from one of the recruiters the next day and wait around 4 to 5pm. I didn't get any call... I was in my bed feeling so depressed and decided to put my phone under my pillow. Ignored the SMS ringtone on my phone cause I was feeling really sad. Minutes later, I received another text again. I thought it was just one of my friends. But instead. I Picked up my phone, and my  eyes suddenly came wide open cause I passed the first step of the hiring process. I was already ready to suck up my job, save a few bucks and move to LA with my friend. Cause my aim at the time was to save money and move to USA, endure my shitty job for about a year or two.

But maybe I wasn't meant to discover what's in LA at the moment. But maybe I was meant to discover the world first. I considered my self lucky at one point. Cause for a thousand of hopefuls at that moment I kept asking myself "why me?" but I didn't want to credit the luck for the things i worked hard for. For the things I know I strived for. For all that of my hyperhidrosis shed for. because at some point I chose to be here, to be where I am. I could have chosen to stay and move back to my ex in singapore and god knows what's next if I left and stayed to where I was. I know that everybody has their own problem. I wanted to escape all the problems I had and just leave then come back when I'm more ready. It was the most immature thing to do but I didn't realize that it was one of the best decisions I made in my adult life... Is to leave the old person to comeback as a new person.

2 years after... I knew I was a changed man. I already know what's important in my life and what is not. that the quality of your relationship to the people you value is what really matters. I lost a lot friends that broke my heart and gained a few one... but I was happy because somehow, I knew who we're meant to stay and those who weren't. We maybe not the perfect friends in the world but I was ok with it. cause they're real. I dreamed of settling down by 27, walk down the aisle by the age of 27. only to realize that my life isn't complete yet. Not to mention that I don't have anyone to be with and have my "you and me against the world" or the "against all odds" moment. but as of the moment... with all the material and superficial circumstance i'm in. I really don't know what's next nor what to do with my life....

all i know is....

I gotta keep going. keep trying. never give up. no matter what.

"till I set my foot to the things I've achieved and done... and ask myself again. What's next?"

“In the process of letting go you will lose many things from the past, but you will find yourself.”– Deepak Chopra

the reality of quarter life at 25

I am turning 25 this coming July... I was so inspired to write something after a realization that i had with my friend lea. a few drinks really gets into you.

It was around 2014 that I felt miserable with my 8 hour shift job... being at my desk 5 days a week for 5 months. after graduating from college I spent nothing but living the way I want to live it. the youth in me surrounded with getting drunk night per night. traveling across asia with someone I planned a future spending with until life turned around, then that plan with someone else didnt happen. 

I told myself... "I want to see the world." never occured to my mind that I am young or was young. all I know is i want something exciting. in between the strugle, my ex boyfriend at the time, broke up with me in the middle of my life turning it around... when he knew I was moving out of the country, he flew back to manila, then decided he wanted to keep me.  within five months of my employment career in the office, there was an open day to becoming a flight attendant. I risked while having a conversation with myself "why not?". went to the open day with tons of beautiful and overtly qualified hopeful people for the job. luckily I was hired. I moved out to where I was. I was in a bad place at the time... I was feeling depressed. but at the same time, i was in a place where i was willing to do anything to be the successful person i want to be. I was saving up to move to somewhere else and find my luck and ready to face the rock bottom in my head, endure a little, sacrifice a little for the future I want to achieve. 

although that didn't really happen, the world still handed over a great opportunity that i was meant to be in. it was a fruitful feeling the ego in me saying "im still a lucky person.". I arrived in the middel east january 14 2015 then 3 days later i started training... my parents were proud of me, because i was becoming independent... they no longer have to pay for my lifestyle and pay for my place electricity and everything. in the middle of my training in aviation my ex boyfriend somewhere feb 18 2015 decided to just vanish. not say a word or drop any form of message in the world wide web. but at that moment i was done. I was numb. three years of always planning a future with him and taking care of everything and him being not on the same page. since then... I was just like a rock to all potential mates i was meeting. then i started flying. the job gave me a lot of distraction. meeting a lot of new people and exploring different places. i was supplied with a lot of distraction.

it made me grow as a person. it fulfilled the gaps of something i was craving for. in everyone's life for sure; we all know that life is not always made perfect. at 22 i was travelling the world. created a new life a new me, a brand new being that i was before... at 24 it felt like i've seen everything... for some reason... i felt really lost. for the entire year of being 24. along the way... i've gained new friends and at the same time I lost a few good one. I wasnt being negative about life but i'm just facing the reality of life. that it is the way it is. jumping to one book to another, drunk conversation with random people. copulated with the people i'm attracted with and some whom I wasnt a little attracted out of boredness. i wasted a little time getting wasted. be influenced with the wrong people giving me wrong advice about life, and actually listened to them. hanged out with some people who doesnt even nurture you but instead embrace the that they are miserable. it really is true that you become the friends you hang out with.  

you see... a lot of people saw my life as green as it could be. as easy like it was handed over to me. some thinks that i didn't really need to work hard enough because some find my physical appearance as privilege pass to have this kind of job. but in reality i was no different with other people. i struggled too. to wherever i am right now... i know i worked hard for it. that i went in line 6 am at makati shang-rila hotel fighting over the spot for other hopefuls inside that hotel to impress the recruiters. and as i've worked my way. i report to work, delivering what i was asked to because they hired me for that reason. maybe it is silly to feel this way because I didn't worry how to eat three times a day or more. that my worries we're all about what to do with my life while dressed up with designer luxury pieces that everyone is not privilege about. but at the same I cant compare my life to others why is my life like this. because my story is different. the life path i took is different. decisions i was aware and unaware of were different... and but that is maybe because i was destined to take those and end up with those.

as i turn 25... i'm about to let life unfold itself. i see more myself than i use to see just what's around me. right now... I'm currently single, doing the same thing i was doing for the past 2 years like it was already something routine to me. worried with the elite daily blogs of "what you should be before you turn 30"... but you know what. this is my reality... I'm single.... I dont even know where he is, in an ironical circumstance nature of my job, i don't have any property that im paying that i get worried about sometimes(but i don't want to relly to some property inheritance i'm bound to have in the future, but because i want to do and prove it to myself that i can acquire on my own in the future). that maybe there is a purpose of me being all by myself at this age. that i'm starting to take parts to the things i want to do even if im not sure how it's gonna end up with. but at the end of the day. all i know is just do it. i don't know when... nor i dont know how... but i just do. 

then hope that i'll get there. 

my advice to all those who share the same dilemna as i do... just do it. kill the what If and just do it. that maybe when we look back to this journal or i would look back to what i just wrote in the post.

and just laugh about it. 

which i always do. is just laugh about it. as long as you dont forget how to appreciate and love... we still are the hopes the future.

this is paulo gonzales turning 25.

FINALLY NEW YORK!! part 1

I have been Craving to visit New York. I always felt like I belong to this city... it has been long overdue why I didn't pushed enough to get here. I got a little bit distracted as always to something exciting. but here I am, exploring the wonders of this city. they if you can make it New York you can make it Anywhere. I made it!!!

Sydney Australia

two years of going around the world, I have never bothered or urged to visit Australia. then suddenly. I was in the city. Opera was Majestic. although cost of living in Australia is quite high, but sure indeed its a nice place to live. I try to focus much on content of my blog. since i rarely blog nowadays. I just dont want to waste this awesome pictures that I take.

 this Iphone shot is horrible.. btw none of this photo is retouched.

 I would never miss of course my Army of accessories. to feature

Bags that i'm ok to see men wear or women wear.

these are bags in the women section, that is very hard for me to resist. only because I appreciate it's structure and artistic approach too not to mention the brand.

CHANEL BOY BAG

courtesy of purse forum.

I myself indulges into one. i just cant resist not to get myself one. I hope there would be a movement about this. 

The world according to john

A photo posted by Paulo Gonzales (@iamjohnpau) on May 16, 2016 at 9:13pm PDT

PROEANZA SCHOULER PS1

this bag is undoubtely so structure no one would even think that this satchel is a woman's bag.

courtesy of fashion squad

HERMES BIRKIN

cant help not to insert a birkin.

no need for an explanation. ITS A BIRKIN FOR GODSAKES

SAINT LAURENT SAC De JOUR

 no further explanation as YSL released a Sac de jour Handbag for men

CELINE PHANTOM LUGGAGE

South Africa: The Safari Experience

this was around last year july 30, 2016 right after my trip to LA for my birthday... and i had to operate a flight to Capetown South Africa. seeing the safari make me feel like a kid again, also feeling like i was in the lion king movie when i was young. 

 and never miss the Nelson Mandela Square