the truth about the middle adult life 25.

My life didn't came out the way I wanted it to be. that's one thing all of you can relate to for sure. I remember after when I graduated from High school; I wanted to become a Psychologist... but that didn't happened. instead... I graduated with a degree of Bachelor's of Science in Entrepreneurship major in Management. In the course of my college life, I tried becoming an actor; attended various workshops, auditioned for roles, and go see for commercials. but I didn't become a success with those things that I aspired to be when I was in my foolish youth; eager, risk taker, driven, and restless days. after graduation... I was a total bum; drinks, travel and party every night.... Lost. 

Then a year later, I was forced in the employment department, working in a bank that killed my spirit to death. I remember having a conversation in my head at my desk typing in my keyboard and asking myself "what the f*ck am i doing?" repeatedly while typing the exact same thing I was routinely doing at the moment. I hated my life and my job in those times. 8 months later.... I became a flight attendant.... along the way. I felt good about myself. Felt fulfilled and a success finally. Earning the money I want, buying the things I want, travelling to places I've never planned or have ever thought of visiting to. 

Part of those things that has happened. somewhat or somehow just happened. I still don't know what to do with my life at those moments but instead. I just kept living the life. that it is so linear that those great things was just normal. for about two years... that environment became just norm to my awareness. But when I look back at my life and where I am right now. none of this was planned the way I wanted to. At first. I wanted to become a psychologist and publish a book then become a renowned person in my field. when I tried acting... I wanted to be a huge star... a Superstar as a matter of fact... I thought I was an entrepreneur in the making but apparently, now  I feel like I wasn't born to be any that.

all I know is that I kept going. I kept pushing things that are and aren't maybe meant for me. I remember attending my open day for an airline company and feeling so insecure about myself while in line next to a taller and more beautiful more handsome men and women next to me. but I was like to my friend "you what?! f*ck it! let us just be ourselves and let's do this..." without really knowing what's my fate gonna be like in that situation. I already felt so sad when I was to told to expect a call from one of the recruiters the next day and wait around 4 to 5pm. I didn't get any call... I was in my bed feeling so depressed and decided to put my phone under my pillow. Ignored the SMS ringtone on my phone cause I was feeling really sad. Minutes later, I received another text again. I thought it was just one of my friends. But instead. I Picked up my phone, and my  eyes suddenly came wide open cause I passed the first step of the hiring process. I was already ready to suck up my job, save a few bucks and move to LA with my friend. Cause my aim at the time was to save money and move to USA, endure my shitty job for about a year or two.

But maybe I wasn't meant to discover what's in LA at the moment. But maybe I was meant to discover the world first. I considered my self lucky at one point. Cause for a thousand of hopefuls at that moment I kept asking myself "why me?" but I didn't want to credit the luck for the things i worked hard for. For the things I know I strived for. For all that of my hyperhidrosis shed for. because at some point I chose to be here, to be where I am. I could have chosen to stay and move back to my ex in singapore and god knows what's next if I left and stayed to where I was. I know that everybody has their own problem. I wanted to escape all the problems I had and just leave then come back when I'm more ready. It was the most immature thing to do but I didn't realize that it was one of the best decisions I made in my adult life... Is to leave the old person to comeback as a new person.

2 years after... I knew I was a changed man. I already know what's important in my life and what is not. that the quality of your relationship to the people you value is what really matters. I lost a lot friends that broke my heart and gained a few one... but I was happy because somehow, I knew who we're meant to stay and those who weren't. We maybe not the perfect friends in the world but I was ok with it. cause they're real. I dreamed of settling down by 27, walk down the aisle by the age of 27. only to realize that my life isn't complete yet. Not to mention that I don't have anyone to be with and have my "you and me against the world" or the "against all odds" moment. but as of the moment... with all the material and superficial circumstance i'm in. I really don't know what's next nor what to do with my life....

all i know is....

I gotta keep going. keep trying. never give up. no matter what.

"till I set my foot to the things I've achieved and done... and ask myself again. What's next?"

“In the process of letting go you will lose many things from the past, but you will find yourself.”– Deepak Chopra